Blueberries in Fall; Newburgh, ME
Odette, circa 2018
“Just because I accidentally slip and say your name
When I hear your song, it makes me insecure
Just because I know I’ll never ever feel the same
Doesn’t mean I love you anymore”
I guess you could say I’m mildly obsessed with Michael Bublé. I mean have you heard him in Haven’t met you yet? or Feeling Good (which I know isn’t one of his originals and that it was recorded in 1964). This song is challenging for me, though, because by the end of the song it’s relatively clear Bublé is trying to talk himself out of the idea that he’s still in love with the girl. I still adore the song though.
This song speaks to anyone who has ever loved someone who is no longer in their life. It resonates with me as a small town girl especially, for the same reason that Breakup in a small town by Sam Hunt resonated with me. Maine has such a long list of charms, one of which is that our state is basically a (really big) small town. You know everyone’s cousin, or mother, or aunt. There’s a sense of community here that I have yet to find anywhere else. But living in Maine and dating in Maine is challenging for that exact same reason. You know everyone. You’ve been on dates at every coffee house. Everywhere you turn there are memories attached to places and cars, to corners and to stores.
This song is beautiful because it speaks to those emotions. It speaks to that insecurity that having memories pop up that are associated with an ex, and all the feelings that come along with those memories. I know that I’m hesitant to visit my alma mater because I have so many memories associated with my college boyfriend. Certain stretches of highway remind me of certain exes. Just because you associate places with people doesn’t mean that you still love those individuals. It just means that, like all humans, you associate stimuli (smells, sounds, places, things) with people and memories.
This song (and this post) are a reminder to me and to people out there that that rush of emotions you associate with stimuli does not equate to feelings. Now go forth and make new memories.
Until next time,
Maggie
“I want you to be happier”
My Genetic Gold Mine
I recently found out that I have Lyme disease. The same strain that my older sister has battled with for years. I have had this disease for years, and I simply haven’t known. My doctor estimates that I have had it since I was 16, that’s 8 years of damage from a disease I didn’t know I had.
I have had cardiac issues from this disease since I was 18. I remember transitioning into adulthood and losing my ability to run for extended periods of time because my chest felt like it was exploding. I was subjected to stress tests repeatedly by a cardiologist and his response was to tell me to reduce the amount of caffeine I ingested.
I did exactly that. I followed the rules, I tried to exercise, I attempted to reduce stress. Yet somehow, in my senior year in college, I started passing out and eventually I started having seizures. I had always thought I was healthy, that my lightheadedness, insomnia, and my tendency to faint was due to anxiety and stress.
It wasn’t until I started experiencing extreme anxiety and exhaustion paired with sudden, debilitating chest pains that I finally ceded to my mother and decided to go see her homeopathic doctor. Six vials of blood later the doctor asked me if I have ever been treated for Lyme disease. The answer was no. He looked at my blood charts, my echocardiograms, and my whole medical history and stated that he knew why I had been having these symptoms for 8 years. The CBC blood panel came back positive, even by CDC standards, for Lyme. I have been very sick, for a very long time.
I have not been weak, I have been ill. I have not been weak, or a wimp. I have been infected with a chronic illness for 8 years. I have seen my attention span dwindling, I have felt my ability to focus in class and on notes shrinking. I feel validated, relieved, and affirmed for the first time in a very long time.
thanks for listening,
Maggie
Prayer and supplication:
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
In case you haven’t listened to it
head above water: Avril Lavigne (no trust me, it’s good)
A letter to the father that abused me
A belated #MeToo
I would address this to you, but unlike you, I am unwilling to make you a victim of any sort,
Where do I even begin? I have written this letter a million times, and I have been too afraid to send it. Multiple therapists have told me to write this as a cathartic outlet, and I have repeated this exercise over and over, hoping against hope and praying against all the odds that God would give me the resolve to sign my name to this letter and send it to you.
I hate you. I can honestly say I hate you. And as Christian, I don’t take that lightly. I don’t know how to make peace with that sentiment. You are a constant challenge to my faith in myself and in humanity.
You were my father, and you shattered me. You were the man I should have trusted and loved, and yet you were the man that broke me. I saw you beat my mother, I saw you scar my sisters, I witness shattered glass, and I was subjected to things no daughter should endure at the hands of her father. You subjected me to violence that no child deserves.
And yet, despite the years of abuse, I owe you thanks. Thank you for giving me a thick skin so I can report monsters who scar their children the way you scarred me. Thank you for making me strong so when other mental health professionals throw up when they see the welts and bruises on children I can persist and I can prepare the reports that need to be made. Thank you, for normalizing the pain of children, the suffering, and for granting me the ability to make the statements no one else will. Thank you for giving me the resilience to look abusers in the eye and tell them I filed a formal report and the children the beat, maim, and torture are going somewhere safe. Thank you for making me the hero I wish I had, thank you for making me the DHHS worker I wish I had talked to. For all you put me through, God granted me the gift to save the children like me. Ultimately, despite the fact you are an utterly despicable human being, God brought a blossom out of the shit of living with you.
I chose to thank you for what you put me through because I am done with blaming you and engaging in self-destructive behavior. I have been angry, I have been hostile, I have been vicious. And now, against all the odds I chose to take the shit show you granted me, and I select to make the best f***ng lemonade the world has ever seen. You can be the lemon, it’s your job apparently (being acidic and denigrating and foul). You have given me all the tools I need to become a hot mess, but I refuse to grant you the power to allow me to destroy myself and my future relationships.
Please lose my address, forget my name, and f*** off.
I am not your daughter; I am the abuse victim that survived.
Go f*** yourself,
Maggie
Where do I even begin?
To say the past 8 months have been a whirlwind would be an understatement. Grad school is infinitely more difficult than I could have ever anticipated.
I’m a lifelong academic and trying to juggle a job, my academic endeavors, and a social life has proven virtually impossible (and I’m only pursuing my Master degree, kudos to all y’all out there that are going for a PhD.). I am uncertain of so many things; I don’t know where I’ll be living in six months, I’m unsure of how my current relationship will play out, and I’m uncertain of my own ability to meet (all) the impending deadlines that face me. In the midst of all this uncertainty, however, I feel an incredible peace. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be this confident and this determined in the face of all this uncertainty I would never have believed you. I would have told you that I can’t handle uncertainty, I need to know what I’m doing, where my life is going; I need a 6-month plan. I don’t deal well with a blank page; I like having those bullet points and deadlines. While many things may change in my life, that hasn’t changed (and I doubt it ever will). However, this season is teaching me patience and faith. I don’t need to know God’s plan for me in order to have faith.
I don’t need total clarity, I don’t need to adhere to a 6-month plan. I don’t always have to know where I’m going. Ceding that control has, without a doubt, been one of the greatest struggles of my life. I’m still working on surrendering to his will, and I’m constantly leaving my fear at the altar and trying to turn my uncertainty and insecurity over to God, and yet there’s that selfish, anxious part of me that constantly grabs all my fear and uncertainty back. I’m constantly engaging in an internal battle between faith and fear, but I’m slowly learning to cede my fear and select my faith.
Sufficed to say, I’m still a work in progress, but if we’re honest with ourselves aren’t we all?
Cheers!
Margaret
Hampden, ME. (Hemlock, Tillandsia usneoides and Maple leaf & branch encased in ice): December 14,2017
It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?
I’ve been absolutely terrible at keeping up with this blog. Grad school has been a total whirlwind and I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start at the beginning (it’s a very good place to start)
I moved down to Keene and quickly realized that craigslist roommates are never a good idea. I ended up commuting back to Maine every week. The foliage was absolutely gorgeous, but regrettably, it’s very hard to take pictures and drive. I got into my first fender bender (whoops). I moved back to Maine at the end of the semester and transferred to the online program. I’m in week two and I’m already behind on the reading, I blame the postal service because I still don’t have two of the books I ordered a month ago. It’s fine, this is why libraries exist.
Overall this season has challenged me to take a submitting and surrendering to God’s will for my life. I’m slowly and painfully learning to be at peace and trust in God has an astounding, stunning plan for me. I can run myself ragged, and draw up ornate plans, but ultimately the only plan that matters is his. Capitulating to this truth sounds so easy and freeing in theory, but it is so difficult to take that step of ultimate faith. This isn’t a new struggle for me, by any stretch of the imagination. I like being in control, I like micromanaging, I like knowing what the game plan is an having my ducks in a row. Every time I leave all my doubts and concerns at the altar, I turn around and I’ve subconsciously snatched all those concerns back, God forbid I actually really, truly, deeply surrender all of my fears and my apprehensions right?
And now you’re basically all caught up. I’ll start editing and posting pictures soon (I promise). Until then I’ll leave you with the following Bible verse:
“You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.” – Proverbs 19:21
What I’m listening to
Reckless Love – Bethel
Trust in You – Lauren Daigle
Cheers!
P.S. you get brownie points if you recognized the Sound of Music joke in the opening paragraph.
Not Being a Victim of Almosts
Today I was browsing through my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist and I stumbled on a song/spoken word piece called Almost by Your World Within. As a young adult at a crossroads, this recording really spoke to me.
I’ve been so fixated on the changes happening in my life right now, I’m half moved into my new apartment, I’m ordering textbooks and clearing out my wardrobe. There’s so much furniture I have yet to buy, so many bills I have yet to pay, and there’s so much uncertainty. The reminder that I will miss 100% of the shots I don’t take is a pertinent one. I know what I’m doing, I’m in the process of making huge changes, but the underlying uncertainty is gnawing away at me. I’m looking at other kids my age, some with jobs, others attending grad schools like me and I can’t help but wonder; am I the only one who has literally no idea what I’m doing? How is everyone else so certain about what they want to do for the rest of their lives?
I’m beginning to realize that perhaps I don’t need complete certainty. Maybe I won’t have total confidence. I don’t know if I’ll ever be totally self-assured in anything. I question, I second guess, and I debate every decision I make. And then I rinse and repeat for good measure. I’m making peace with the fact that being indecisive, tentative, and hesitant are all part of my nature. My goal is simply to make peace with God and trust him to make up for my deficiencies. Where I am hesitant and unsure, I will turn to him for confidence. Where I am afraid, I will rely on him for courage. I am not called to be perfect, I am simply called to be the best version of me I can be, and have faith that he will provide what I lack.
“Indeed, our lives are guided by faith, not by sight.” II Corinthians 5:7
Cheers!
Mainely Margaret 